I think I'm becoming cynical. I remember several months ago, I made a post about how I wasn't a cynic. I'm too lazy to look it up and link it, but it's not really important to be familiar with that post to read this one. I'm simply stating that I think my attitude towards other people, in general, is changing.

I remember in that post, I provided three definitions for cynical, and I'm going to do that again:

1. like or characteristic of a cynic; distrusting or disparaging the motives of others.
2. showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty or morality by one's actions, esp. by actions that exploit the scruples of others.
3. bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.

The third definition is a bit harsh. I'm not bitter and I don't sneer (much). But lately I've been finding it quite difficult to see anything in people other than selfishness, and it makes me wonder what has been going on around me that has been feeding these emotions. There's nothing that I can think of that stands out as the defining moment where I stood up and proclaimed, "OMG yes, people DO suck!". It had to be a bunch of little things.

The largest reason that I can think of, off the top of my head, would be the fact that I play a game that basically encourages selfishness. You can talk about the teamwork all you want, but 98% of the people who play that game play it to get their gear so they look cooler than anyone else. Period. While it's true that I've made some of the greatest friends in that game, it's also true that I've met some of the most horrible people as well.

There are other, smaller reasons, too. Watching how people treat each other as they drive. Watching how people will cut in front of you in line without thinking twice about it. Stuff like that. Now, these things are nothing new, and typically I just shrug them off just like any normal person would do. As the Bee Gees said, you gotta look out for number one. And it's quite apparent that most people are doing just that.

Part of my problem is that after seeing so much of this, however, I start to second guess EVERYONE'S true intentions. The last few days, I've been catching myself do this from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go to bed. This is compounded by the fact that I'm not very good with people to begin with (though this isn't as bad as it once was).

I stopped at Sheetz this morning, and the cashier was exceptionally polite and nice. But all I could think was, "You're just being that nice because that guy behind you is probably your manager."

And unfortunately, I haven't only been questioning the intentions of strangers, either. I've been doing it with EVERYONE, even those closest to me who have given me no reason to believe that their reason for talking to me is anything other than just wanting to talk to me because we're friends. Cynicism may not even be an entirely accurate term to describe it. It's borderline paranoia. Borderline. I don't think everyone is against me, and I don't think anyone is out to get me. So it's not paranoia in that truest sense of the word.

I have also considered that the factors which make me question the intentions of those around me always exist, and my recent problems with them are result of something else. In other words, some other factor is affecting my ability to deal with these things that I see every single day.

I've long suspected that I suffer from "major depressive episodes". They're not bad, and I am able to deal with them just fine without any professional help or medication. It's been about three weeks since I've had one, so I'm about due for one of those happy joy rides. And it makes me wonder if this could be just another symptom of that. It's interesting to note that one of the key symptoms of an MDE deals with self-worth. Here's the word-for-word description from Wikipedia:

The person may think of themselves in very negative, unrealistic ways such as manifesting a preoccupation with past "failures", personalization of trivial events, or believing that minor mistakes prove their inadequacy. They also may have an unrealistic sense of personal responsibility and see things beyond their control as being their fault. Additionally, self-loathing is common in clinical depression, and can lead to a downward spiral when combined with other symptoms.

I think it's quite viable that this symptom could manifest itself as the very thing I've been experiencing over the last few days. If I'm subconsciously questioning my self-worth, it would make sense that I would, in turn, think that everyone else is too. It's sort of backwards thinking, when you look it from that perspective. I'm projecting my own insecurities to those around me. When you take into consideration that ego of mine that everyone knows and loves, it does make sense.

This actually worked out better than I thought -- writing these thoughts down helped me make some conclusions that I otherwise might not have made. I'm still left with this nagging feeling, however, but that's just my problem solving mind wanting an all-encompassing solution. Sadly, there isn't one in this case. But I've been here before, and sooner rather than later I'll leave here again.

All that being said, I think that a little cynicism is a good thing. It keeps you safe.