Saturday, January 21, 2006

But is it art?

In order to appreciate the art of filmmaking as a whole, I firmly believe in watching movies from every genre, no matter how much pain I end up subjecting myself to. Thus, when a movie comes out that is labeled "groundbreaking", "a new genre", "a new classic", etc, etc, insert your propaganda here, I always make the effort to watch it. Sometimes I'm awarded with a great movie watching experience. Other times I find myself over my head in filmmaking cow dung, as was the case tonight.

Groundbreaking Movie #1 on my list tonight was Brokeback Mountain. Yeah, yeah, I know -- it's a movie about two gays. No shit. Still, given all the good reviews, and all the awards it has won, and the fact that it's supposed to be "groundbreaking", I watched it. Personally, I saw nothing special, unless you consider the story focusing around two gay men, which is something new to Hollywood. The main thing I got out of the story was that you should cherish what you have now, because it might not be there tomorrow. Thanks, I already knew that, and that idea has been covered in many, MANY previous movies in the past 75 years of cinema. I give the movie a half star.

Groundbreaking Movie #2 that I watched tonight, against my better judgement mind you, was Slaughtered Vomit Dolls. Let me get this out of the way right now -- this movie is the biggest piece of crap ever made. It's not scary. It didn't gross me out. It didn't revolt me. It didn't sicken me. It didn't make me laugh. It didn't make me cry. It didn't cause any emotions in me whatsoever, besides the one in my head saying, "I can't believe you just wasted 1 hour of your life on this garbage." The movie is a sad attempt by an amateur filmmaker to make the most gory, disgusting, disturbing, evil, twisted movie ever. He failed more horribly than anyone has ever failed at anything before in the whole existence of mankind. There was no story -- it simply followed the journey of a girl from her adolescence to late teens when she joins a satanic cult and then drowns herself in a bathtub (I applauded that part, because I knew that had to be the end of the movie. Thankfully, I was correct.). People are killed, dismembered, beheaded, hacked up, beaten up, tied up, raped, etc, etc. And the vomiting. Oh yes, the multitudes of vomiting. Vomiting in toilets, on people, on themselves, on severed heads, in severed heads, in a beer mug, then drinking it, then vomiting it out again, and repeat five times. On and on and on for a whole hour and ten minutes. The effects were subpar, almost BAD in my opinion. Not once did the movie actually make me believe that this was actually happening. The director tried to make it scary by using odd camera angles, harsh lighting, and very severe editing to make the video jumpy and bizarre. I think he had to do that, because without totally fucking with the pace of the filming, it would have looked even MORE fake than it already does now. Art? Well, this guy has mastered the art of making the biggest, most worthless, most UNSUBSTANTIAL film of all time. Congratulations! I give this movie a negative absolute zero star.

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