I've done about as much mind-numbing SQL writing as I can handle without a break. So here I am.

Let's talk friendship.

This is a topic that I've been struggling with lately, and I've felt the need to put the ideas in my head somewhere. (So that maybe they will leave my head and let me think about more important things for a change.)

I have plenty of people in my life who I could casually refer to as a friend, since the simplest definition of friend is "a person who is on good terms with another". But you and I both know that the term friend, when used to describe the relationship between two individuals, should mean much more than that. And naturally, the meaning of the this word is going to be quite different from person to person. I use the term lightly to describe certain people I know, and I will admit that I use the term incorrectly a lot. I will refer to someone as a friend when I actually don't consider them as such, simply because it's easier given the circumstances to do so. I feel this is one thing I need to change about myself, for two reasons. First, I prefer to be an honest person, so I shouldn't throw that word around if I'm not sincere about it. But most importantly, I feel that if I continue to act in this manner I will continue to be unhappy with the way people treat me.

This is going to require some explanation. First I should describe the kind of relationship I expect to have with a person when I consider them to be a friend:

- We should have a few things in common, and enjoy talking about these things.

- We should feel comfortable sharing any kind of information, no matter how personal or embarrassing.

- We should feel that we can call, email, message, visit or contact each other in any way, any time we feel the need to do so, and not worry that we might be bothering each other.

- We should enjoy talking to one another, look forward to the conversations, and miss them when it's been too long since we've last talked.

- They should initiate conversation with me nearly as often as I initiate conversation with them.

I would think that these things should make sense to just about everyone. But, now that I've thought these points through and have written them out, I realize that there are a lot of people in my life who are utterly pathetic friends. And I fear that some of this is my own fault, because of how loosely I have used the term in the past. I'll now explain the whole purpose of this post, and the whole reason why this has been bothering me quite a bit lately.

A large part of my "social time" is spent playing WoW, by now I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone. There are plenty of other things I do in my spare time, such as watching movies, playing other games, writing, and planting/caring for a garden when it's that particular time of year. But these things are solitary activities. And I don't mind that, because damn it, I need solitary activities to keep balance in my life. Sometimes, I just need to be alone. But I also need to be social, and WoW fulfills that need quite effectively. However, there exists a problem, and that problem starts with the role that I fill within that game. I am the guild master and raid leader. The titles of these positions themselves suggests authority. As a result of this, I feel that most people probably watch what they say when speaking to me. They are careful, maybe a bit nervous, maybe a bit intimidated, and maybe otherwise elevate me to a place where I have no business being.

This is a problem for me, because I never wanted that. I play this game for the sociability. I lost sight of that reason for a while, but I'm slowly coming back to it again and have found myself enjoying the game more because of it. But I think, because of my role, a lot of people don't see me as a person. Not to name names, but there are plenty of people in the guild who I feel any "friendship" we may have is one-sided. Meaning, I have attempted to start such a relationship with them and have gotten nothing in return. I'm not naive, either, and would fully expect that perhaps some of them simply don't like me. I'm perfectly fine with that, there are also plenty of people in the guild who I don't like, either. But for some, I feel that it's something else, and the nature of the role I fill in the game is the only logical explanation I can conceive.

Unfortunately, this isn't something I can fix, because people are people. (so why should it be....lol, sorry). It's certainly not something I can fix by writing about it here, since I'm sure about 1% of my guild even reads my blog anyway, and those 1% are people I do call friends. So instead, I've simply come to the understanding that I shouldn't waste my time or my friendliness with those who won't return it. Why should I? That doesn't mean I'm going to be rude or ignore everyone, that's just silly. But I'm going to stop, for example, initiating friendly conversations with people who have never once initiated friendly conversations with me. That seems only fair. It does upset me that I haven't been able to form true friendships with some of the people I've grown to like in this game. But if the relationship is going to continue to be one-sided, then they shall be nothing more to me than an acquaintance.

Perhaps if I stop calling them a friend, they will realize that there's a problem. But, I'm certainly not holding my breath on that one.