Friday, September 28, 2007

I'm not Bright and Shiny, either.

The blog is an interesting medium. You read them online, and the authors share with you their struggles and their ordeals, and they probably don't even know you. Or, at the very least have never met you before. I've always avoided doing that, as anyone who reads my blog is probably aware. I do share my experiences, but typically they are humorous stories or something that's just interesting to talk about. Other times I'm sharing things I've created or seen, or showing off a new game I'm playing which is an outlet for wanting to talk about things that interest me.

But, I think the desire to blog about one's troubles is healthy in a way. I myself have found comfort in writing about what's bothering me. Somewhere on my computer's hard drive is a Word document. Anytime I would feel depressed, angry, upset, or had something troubling me, I would write about it in that document.

Every so often, I would open up this Word document and add to it. Then, I would scroll up to the beginning and read. And I would smile. I would smile because a lot of the time, the things that had me depressed, angry, upset, or troubled ending up resolving themselves and my life continued on. It was refreshing to remember those bad times and in turn remember how after it was all done, I was still okay. I was fine. I got through them.

I've been feeling depressed the last few days, and for the first time in my life I can't put my finger on the cause of it. I feel down. I feel like something is wrong. But I have no idea what it could be.

My job has been just fine these days, so I don't see how it could be work that has me like this. I get along great with my co-workers. My boss likes me and respects the work I do. I enjoy what I do.

My personal life is the same as it's always been. But perhaps *I'm* not the same. I don't have friends and I never have had any, really. At least, not in the traditional sense. I'm talking about people that call you up and ask you to come hang out, or go have a few drinks, or stop over, or to go to a movie. I'm talking about people that make you feel like they want to do stuff with you because you're you, and because they like that you. I don't have that, and I've never had that. I've never cared that I never had that. And it's my own fault that I've never had that. You can't spend your life in front of a computer and expect to have a normal social existence.

Perhaps I'm beginning to regret that. I refrain from coming right out and saying that I'm alone, because that just sounds pathetic. Especially coming from me. I'm not "dark and twisty" (yeah, I watch Grey's Anatomy). Besides, I do have friends. Just not in the traditional sense, as I've stated before...they are all friends that I either don't see every single day, or that I even never see. They are friends I've made through my cel collecting experiences, through my gaming experiences, through my anime experiences, and the various other interests I've embarked upon while sitting in front of my computer. So yeah, I do have friends. But I guess I can't help but ask myself if I have those friends in the cel community because of the quality of my collecting. Or that I have those friends in the gaming community because of my ability to play the games. Or that I have those friends in the anime community because I introduce them to new and interesting shows that they haven't heard about yet.

Or that even though I consider those people my friends, I still feel the way I'm feeling right now.

I read something once that explained the details of an Aries (that is my sign). The thing that stuck out to me the most was that an Aries needs to feel that people like him. That may be true, but I never try to *make* people like me. So maybe I'm feeling depressed because I'm trying to cancel myself out, in a way. Which goes along with the other characteristic of an Aries -- obstinate.

Well there, that was quite the EMO bit of rambling. Mark that down in the books, it's probably a first. Even so, I think that it's served it's purpose. Even though I still have no idea what my problem is, writing about it in an attempt to figure it out has me feeling at least a little better. So yeah, thanks for that.

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