More fun at the supermarket...

I needed a total of 3 things -- ziploc bags, cereal, and some pringles. I get to the checkouts and look around, and my best bet was the self-checkout that had only one woman at it. And she only had 3 items.

Unfortunately, she was a n00b, and really didn't know what she was doing. But finally, she got her shit scanned, swiped her debit card, etc, etc. Before she left, she turns to me and says, "Sorry I took so long..."

To which I replied: "Oh that's okay. Now I know your PIN."


Funniest double-take EVER!

Retirement Party

So tonight was my Dad's retirement party. This is probably the first time all of my Dad's close friends have been all together since my graduation party in 1999.

My Dad obviously had some idea that a party was being planned, because when he walked in and everyone said "Surprise!", he thanked everyone for coming and then said, "Now, I've prepared a speech for tonight.", and proceeded to pull a roll of toilet paper out of his coat pocket and began unrolling it, reading as he went along, "Thanks.............and good night."

Now, since this party was chock full of beer drinking, sports loving older people, I knew that eventually I was going to get stuck in a sports related conversation before the evening was over. It was inevitable. Sure enough, halfway through the night, someone comes over and says, "You know, that shirt you're wearing is awfully close to being the Cleveland Browns color." (Yes, I did that on purpose to fuck with their minds. My Dad is a Browns fan, in the middle of Steeler country. It's good stuff.) So I said, "True, but I prefer the Steelers." He then asked me who was going to win the game this weekend. It was time to talk out of my ass, which I've become quite good at.

I said, "Well, we've been pretty flat in the first halves lately. What we need to do is put the pressure on in the first quarter and get some sacks. That'll rattle them up a bit, and then we'll have a smooth ride when we start the second half, where we're always strong."

Yep, I know what I'm talking about. Sure.

Then it was time for the toast (shots of Crown Royal all around). We didn't sing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow", but we came damn near.

I had buffalo chicken strips for dinner (with a side of mozarella sticks). When my strips arrived, I had about a third of my pepsi left. After one bite of those mother fuckers, I thought I was going to die. Holy SHIT were they hot! My mouth was on fire, my esophagus felt like a hole had been burned through it, and I chugged down the last bits of my drink instantly. I waited and waited for the waitress to come over, and she finally did and I ordered another drink. It seemed like HOURS until she finally brought it. She goes, "Sorry, here ya go hon." So I jokingly reply, "Oh sure, you make the guy with the BUFFALO STRIPS wait for his beverage. My lips are melting!" She got a good laugh out of that one.


All in all it was a fun night. My Dad enjoyed himself immensely. Actually, he's still enjoying himself immensely, given that he's not home yet. LOL! My brother is the DD.

Reading

People use different means by which they mark their place in a book they're reading. Some use a bookmark. Others fold the corner of the page over. Still others just turn the book upside down on the place where they left off. Me? I just look at the page number. It seems that everyone I tell this looks at me like I'm crazy. Is it really weird to remember the page number of the book you're reading? Does no one else do this?

If it's been a few MONTHS since I've read the book, I probably won't remember the page number then, but if it's the first time anyone has read the book, it's quite easy to find out where you left off -- the binding of the book will be a bit weaker on the pages that you have read, so you just let the book open itself and it will be close to where you left off.

Helpful tips

Someone who is a professional bartender must ensure that they mix drinks as they are meant to be mixed, as close as possible to the original recipe so that a vast majority of people who order said drink will be happy with their beverage. That is, if they want to keep their job for long.

On the other hand, a person bartending at their own party ensures quite the opposite. For those of you who may not be sure exactly HOW you should be mixing your drinks at your own party (that is, if you bartend at your own parties), allow me to share my general rule of thumb:

After handing the drink to the person, if, after taking a sip, they don't shake uncontrollably, turn to me, and yell, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" or "YOU BASTARD!", then I DIDN'T MAKE IT CORRECTLY.

Who's racist?

It's not really a subject to joke about, but who says I'm politically correct? Racism is a touchy subject to discuss, but I'm more or less poking fun at the whiners who have nothing better to do than complain they're being discriminated against. I have nothing against people who actually DO have to deal with this sort of thing for real.

I'm a white male, so of course all the "whiners" in every minority group blames me for discrimination and racial slurs. It's only natural, since I'm in the so-called "majority". What about discrimination against ME?

Homosexuals call me a breeder.
Blacks call me a cracker.
Europeans call me an American. (I guess they think that's an insult. I'll bet they're mostly French. French IS an insult!)
Canadians call me a redneck. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Asians call me hottie. (I wish)

I'm generalizing of course, but the point I'm trying to make is that people need to realize that racism doesn't just mean the majority descriminating against the minority. That's not always the case.

I for one don't resort to racial slurs to insult someone. I stick with the universal term ASSHOLE. It's a great term. ASSHOLE can apply to ANYone, so it's perfectly acceptable. I encourage global use of the word ASSHOLE, it would make the world a better, more happy place to live.


That's all, assholes.

Longest..........24 minutes..........EVER

So I got my exercise room all set up today. After work, I went and bought a nice 13" TV/DVD combo for around $100. Not a bad deal, and it's a Magnavox. Brought it home, dropped it twice on the way in (stupid handles), and set it up. Works great. Then, I burned the anime I planned on watching, and tested it. Amazingly enough, that also worked, and the quality is brilliant. (I'm thoroughly convinced the ONLY reason why it worked was because I was going to use them for something that was going to bring me pain. AKA exercise.) Finally, I carried the exercise machine downstairs into the new exercise room. (I was VERY tempted to consider carrying that fucking thing as tonight's workout, but I didn't.)

How long is 24 minutes? It's really not much. Sitting at my desk, I can watch an episode of anime before I even realize I'm watching anime. Doing it while exercising is a totally different story, let me tell you. A prime example of relativity. By the time I reached the half-way point, my legs were cursing my name and praying for death. I can see why a vast majority of the human race is fat. It's so much easier being fat. You just sit around, watch TV, sleep, it's great. I'm going to keep going, however.

The show I started watching is pretty good, I'm going to continue it. I burned 10 episodes, which will last me up to January 23. I'll encode the rest of the series tonight prolly (26 in total, plus a movie), so that puts me at around March 1. Hopefully by then I'll see if this is going to start doing me any good or not. I can see what's happening here though -- my opinion of this show I'm watching is going to be abnormally low because I'm going to constantly associate it with the TORTURE I'm putting myself through.

"So how is the show?"
"Fucking awful! I feel like shit after I'm done watching it, it's HORRIBLE."

I noticed something amusing though. During the quiet parts of the episode, my pace was really slow. Then, when a fighting scene came up, I was like the Engergizer bunny with a fucking nuclear reactor in the back. Meltdowns included.

Below is a picture of the torture chamber. Enjoy.

Resolution time...

I'm not one who is really big on making New Year's resolutions -- it's just not something I see as necessary, and it's kind of dumb in my opinion. (If you can't resolve to do something any other time of the year, why do you think you're going to be able to do it in January?)

Nevertheless, I'm going to make one this year. I'm kind of going to be killing two resolutions with one stone here, given what exactly I'm planning. First, I will explain the two problems for which the resolution will be.....resolving.

First -- I work in an office. I sit on my ass all day long, so that really isn't going to be a big help to my physical well-being when I reach the age where my body decides it's time to store fat faster than a hibernating grizzly bear. Therefore, I should really consider some sort of exercise routine before I balloon to 300 pounds and am forced to get a work-from-home job since I will no longer be able to fit through my doorways.

Secondly, I download all this anime, and I haven't even come close to watching even half of it. There are shows that I keep up with on a regular basis, such as Naruto, Bleach, MAR, and several others. But there are many more shows that I am really interested in watching, but I just never get around to it.

Now, for my solution. Going to a gym is really not an option for me, for two main reasons. The major one is that I'm not paying to exercise. I'll go jogging around my neighborhood before I resort to that. The other reason is that I'm not really CLOSE to any gyms or fitness centers. I *do* live in the middle of nowhere, you know.

When my sister-in-law got a new exercise machine, she left her old one in our garage. No one is using it, and there's nothing wrong with it. (The little meter thingy doesn't work, but I wouldn't know what the hell to do with that thing anyway.) I really don't know what the machine is called, but I've tried it out before and it works fine. So, I have the equipment I need.

My plan is to bring it down here and put it in the back room of the basement. Now, the "pros" suggest an exercise regiment of 20 minutes a day, 3 days a week. The normal anime episode is 22-23 minutes long. I think you can see where I'm going with this.

I'm going to go buy me one of those little TVs with the DVD player built right into it, and three days a week I will exercise while watching a full episode of anime. This will guarantee that I will be watching at least 3 episodes a week, 156 episodes a year. Add that to the shows that I normally watch on the weekends, and it's a good schedule.

If I feel that I can go 4 or 5 days a week (or if I think I *need* that many days a week), then that's all the more anime I'll be watching.